This is the fourth installment in a parody series about doing bad business. The content herein should not be taken seriously. Logistics for Hire is in no way liable for the stupid consequences of following this stupid advice.
You think you’re the future of eCommerce. You’re a traffic master, and your products are great. Customers love your products – until they get them in the mail! The culprit: your online store! Here’s how to make your customers furious by completely neglecting your product pages.
When you take photos of your product for your online store, don’t use a lightbox – just take a picture in your living room. You’ll make that sweater look way more comfortable by doing your photoshoot under ugly yellow lights, right next to your dark red curtains. That won’t make it look different at all! A friend told you that you should white-balance your camera, and use color-perfect CMYK mockups whenever possible, but listen, that seems way too complicated, and nerds don’t buy your stuff, so don’t bother. Sounds expensive too – definitely not worth it. Definitely don’t take multiple angles of your product, either – after all, why would anyone who’s about to buy a $10,000 amplifier need to know what kind of cables it takes?
If you have the chance to take a good-quality video of your product, forget it. Your customer can deal with your 2002 flip phone camera that’s 2 pixels wide and lags like a tortoise. There’s no reason to give them any sort of in-depth preview when a bad photo is enough, and if they don’t like it, they can go somewhere else.
Don’t forget to forget shipping estimates on your product pages. If the customer really cares, they’ll find out right before they give you their hard-earned cash that their last-second Christmas gift will actually take 6-8 weeks to arrive by international post (in really tiny print – what they don’t know can’t hurt them).
If your customer opens their package to find the great piece of clothing you made for them and happens to love the way it looks, don’t worry – there’s still a chance to make them angry. Forget to tell them that your stuff runs super small or super big! It’s the best feeling in the world to feel like you can’t fit into a pair of jeans or shoes because of the cut, even though you chose your size. Don’t worry about putting sizing charts up on your store pages, either. What is this, Europe? You’re not responsible for people’s weirdly sized feet. And if you have 15 different colorways for the same article of clothing, throw them all on different pages and don’t bother standardizing descriptions across pages. It’s for their own good!
Write bad copy. Hire your sister’s 7th grader who can’t pass a writing class to do your product descriptions. Don’t put yourself in the mind of a consumer and use keywords that they might be searching for. Skip over this opportunity for storytelling and just use lots of numbers and vague terms like “the best.” They can’t argue with the truth!
Instead of a big CTA button that says “ADD TO CART” in large, prominent text, add a regular text hyperlink at the end of your description. It’s on the customer to find it. You never took an HTML course, and you’re too good to hire someone to help you, so buttons are out of the question.
And, finally, no need to include customer reviews. This customer can find out for themselves; why do they need to hear from 100,000 Instagram followers, a celebrity, or a recent buyer, all of whom gave your stickers a five-star review?
The techniques we’ve gone over are sure-fire, guaranteed ways to enrage your customer – but if you need more, consider treating them like garbage or stocking out of everything they want.
This headache-inducing nightmare scenario brought to you by CommerceBlitz, the warehouse and wholesale software that makes you – and customers – happy. CommerceBlitz prioritizes simplicity and ease of use, so you can concentrate on the most important parts of your business, earn those positive reviews, and never lose a package!